Double Netflix Review: Velvet Buzzsaw & Bird Box

Bet you never saw this review coming! Unless you read my last post, in which I stated I was going to write this one…..no matter, I’m still doing it. And honestly, I don’t have a clue what I’m going to write about for these two Netflix films. I just watched both of them after the New Year and figured I could kill two birds with one…saw šŸ˜‰ Bad joke, don’t kill birds with saws. Let’s just get to it then. The review, I mean.
“Our first film, occupying the left side of the picture above, ladies and gentlemen, Velveeeeeet Buzzsawwwwwww!” If you also feel like you’ve seen Jake Gyllenhaal a lot lately, it’s probably because he’s starred in 12 films over the past 4 years. That’s like, a close second to Nicolas Cage. Except 8 of Jake’s have been notable theatrical releases, and not straight-to-Redbox. Sorry Nick. Back to Jake though, many of his movie roles have been weird over the years, and that hasn’t changed recently. Velvet Buzzsaw is up there, and not only is it weird, but it is bad. Sorry Jake, but it’s really bad. There were some artsy elements that were cool to see on screen, but the dialogue is rough and the plot is boring and even difficult to follow at times. From what I understood, an artist dies and two ladies (an art collector and an art curator) decided to not follow his will to burn the art, but instead showcase it and begin selling it off. Meanwhile, the recent boyfriend of the collector, Morf (Gyllenhaal), is shown the art and becomes enamored with it, but after doing some research and seeing the artwork come to life, realizes that the art should have been destroyed. On top of that, people around them start dying or going missing, as the art is taking its revenge. Yeah, it’s even more weird to watch, trust me. And also, don’t bother watching it.
“And to the right of the previous film in the picture above, stand and give some well-earned mild applause to Birrrrrd Booooox!” (Box is a bad word to elongate, as it either looks like ‘booooo-x’ or ‘box-kissy-kissy-kissy-kissy’). This film was much better than the last, but still didn’t deserve the hype it got in my mind. Maybe that was mostly related to stupid people doing dumb things blindfolded (a.k.a. The Bird Box Challenge), but still. The best part of Bird Box was when the movie finally explained Sandra Bullock’s character journey and the relationship with her kids. They did a decent job at character development, at least with her. The other fish-in-a-barrel characters were pretty much flat, and the production staff (spearheaded by Susanne Bier, who I note because her other recent accomplishment was my previous review, The Night Manager) did a nice job at self-dispatching them in new and disturbing ways throughout the movie. With other movies and shows currently on Netflix, I wouldn’t tell you to put this one at the top of the list, but it’s a decent suspense-drama film that jumps back and forth in time as it follows a mom and her two kids traveling blindfolded downriver to find shelter from the people around them who have gone mad from seeing some invisible force/creatures (never really explained). Just promise me, if you watch it, I won’t see you on my Facebook feed doing something blindfolded and losing consciousness. Thanks.
That wraps up these two streaming films! If you’re currently wearing a blindfold and doing what I just asked you not to do, please stop, take it off, and keep your eyes open for an upcoming review of the next one of my ten most anticipated films of 2019, the live-action remake of Disney’s Dumbo. Cheers!

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